[she would love that. she's loving it already. the doctor doesn't need to admit anything to her. she can read between the lines and scribble in the margins for herself. she's too good at boosting her own ego.
the real advantage of wearing boots with heels on them is finally, finally clear to her. she's eye level with the doctor. it's a straight shot now with the ol' artron energy blues. a vague menace still lurks behind these long, unbroken stares of hers. the doctor's pets tend to be unsettled by how long she goes without blinking. the doctor herself is expected to interpret it as missy paying attention.
she has plenty more unsolicited comments to make about the body in front of her. but, she also understands the importance of being seen and recognised while they're still new. every doctor is the doctor to her. attack eyebrows or no, she can't (she shouldn't) completely evade the doctor's question.]
Maybe I'm trying to impress you.
[the alternative is that this is for real, and— well. they both remember. they probably both remember, unless this doctor's got a memory like a sieve (wouldn't be the first time). missy shrugs lightly. her genuine manic cheer has been replaced for the time being by a thin, strained smile. the only thing more awkward and unpleasant than one emotional woman is two emotional women. can it be avoided?
she's back because she never really left, silly sausage. the sentiment sticks in her throat. she can't voice it. she can't decide whether it's a lie anyway.]
I'd rather discuss the unimportant things. Is this the outfit you're going with? [she waves a hand over it, disapproval obvious from her tone.]
( the doctor pauses, deciphering the meaning in her friend's words. trying to impress her... it was dangerous, it could also be a lie, but she knew missy, remembered all of their more recent conversations. she had seemed to want to change and this doctor still hoped that it wasn't only her hope, that she wasn't being blinded. but she can't also deny what had last happened and why she now had this body. it was a tricky path -- they always had been.
so when missy is quick to change the subject the doctor jumps on it. that's really not fair and also haven't they danced enough? the truth is that they'll always continue this dance until they can dance no more )
Yeah, I am.
( she loves her coat, it's an awesome coat. respect the coat, missy. some people like displaying their personality on their person rather than hiding away )
And you can't avoid it forever. I'm glad you came back.
( that she'd put herself back in her exile. how long had it been before she'd sent that message? )
I get that you like it, but is it decent? I can see some bare ankle. Naughty girl!
[companions have been known to frolic around time and space wearing a lot less, but the doctor is different. missy is judging by her own arbitrary, exaggerated standards of decorum and propriety. best to ignore her. easier said than done.
that's the trouble with hope: it's hard to resist. once she's challenged, missy backs up a little, straying toward the seating area without thinking. old habit. they've had many confrontations, debates and big conversations there. she squeezes her eyes shut and rubs at the bridge of her nose.
the blonde bombshell can be just as pushy as the eyebrows. noted.]
Fine. Yes.
[she doesn't think the doctor would believe the truth if she heard it. as if missy tried to do the right thing. as if she wanted to stand with the doctor. sounds too farfetched. stupid lies for stupid people. no, no. the only way missy's coming out ahead on this one is if she never fesses up and never tries to claim the goodness points.]
There's no place I'd rather be.
[the quantum fold chamber is designed to inhibit her regenerative abilities. as long as she's in here, she doesn't have to confront the reality of whether she can or can't regenerate. she doesn't have to face the consequences of junior's little temper tantrum. she's schrödinger's time lady. before her sentence is up, she imagines she'll have found a workaround, or she'll have made peace with it. one of the two.]
( even though missy backs away the doctor stays put, hands still on her hips, watching her. the avoidance would be clear even without the physical action. it's a little refreshing to have something so honest on display even if it isn't what she wants. though would she believe any other kind of honesty? the hopeful kind? )
Stop it.
( she tries to sound serious but it comes out a little more indignant, far more huffy than she'd have liked. is that what she was now, huffy? )
You've got the whole universe. What does this place have?
( other than somewhere good to think and a doctor that would come when called )
[see, for a long time now, she's been having this issue where 'stop it' sounds like 'tone it down for a minute, then right back up later on.'
she can't help wanting to study and measure the doctor's new reactions. she's tempted to push all the buttons just to see what they do now.
what does this place have? missy spares a significant glance for the chessboard, where they left a game unfinished. the pieces are still set up. she overperforms a wistful sigh.]
Happy memories.
[the passage of time in the vault is 1:1, not at all like a confession dial, but it's just wonky enough to suspend certain of her biological processes. there's a sort of delicious irony in using her intended tomb to cheat death again.]
And let's face it, I'm not ready to be anywhere else. I failed that test. Hope it wasn't a big part of my overall grade.
[she's being cheeky, but there's some truth in it. so true, in fact, that she has to say it in a cheeky way because the sincere way would be painful and humbling for her.]
( she's contemplative, taking a pause to see whether or not she believes it. it's safer to take that moment with missy than in any other situation. at least for a short time. the longer the doctor debates the more time missy has to twist and pick.
she steps up towards the dais, sitting with her at the chessboard, leaning closer, arms resting against the table )
You made the choice.
( and it should be obvious what she thinks about that choice given what the scot had tried to do and what had happened.
without taking her gaze off of missy the doctor moves one of the pieces, restarting the game )
[not so long ago, she would have enjoyed deceiving the doctor. she would've relished withholding information from her oldest friend. this particular deception isn't so enjoyable. part of her is just itching to say 'you were right and i knew you were right, and i tried.' she's determined not to say it, but the itchy feeling is there.
the doctor would be totally justified in feeling betrayed, disappointed and abandoned. all those terrible things, and she still cares anyway. here she is, picking up where they left off with a chess game. missy's had a second and a third and a hundredth and thousandth chance, and here's another.
predictable as ever, doctor.
this is what missy expected and a huge relief, simultaneously.
she swallows against a tight feeling in her throat. she blinks against the hot prickling feeling behind her eyes. by now, she knows what these things mean. it means she might cry. her overzealous lacrimal apparatus is threatening to go again. burst pipes, that's the only thing she can compare it to. it feels completely out of her control.
unless or until the crying actually happens, it won't keep her from resuming the chess game. her turn takes one of the doctor's pieces off the board, but it leaves one of hers vulnerable as well. she's aware.]
( the doctor pretends to study the board but she remembers the game clearly. it hadn't been all too long ago, the game sitting clearly in her head. she thinks she's not quite as good at chess as she was in her last regeneration but she can still play.
and she takes that piece, managing to do so without leaving anything vulnerable but hoping to prompt missy into taking a little bit of an aggressive move. she's testing the waters too )
How did you get back?
( it's not strictly personal. the doctor had her tardis, missy-- was it a vortex manipulator again or had she had something else up her sleeve?
she does file away the part about missy being glad she came. she'll circle back around to it -- they're always weaving with their dance )
[she won't be aggressive yet. she doesn't want to be goaded into a mistake. in their live-action chess games, there's often some tiny crucial detail she overlooks, and that's how the doctor wins. it could happen on the board too. and—it's perilously close to being a personal question, though, isn't it? missy doesn't miss a beat.]
Type 45 TARDIS.
['infinitely superior to yours, doctor,' she means to imply. she knows it's unkind of her. she shouldn't knock the blue box. in the scheme of things, she was actually getting along surprisingly well with the doctor's old girl. as well as could be expected with their history. she almost felt bold enough to do maintenance without her driving gloves for insulation. but that's over now. back to square one. souring things with the doctor will have soured them with the doctor's TARDIS too.
she trusts she doesn't have to say 'his' or 'mine'. either way, it isn't here now. this is not a lie, but she's also not planning to elaborate.]
( she doesn't miss the insinuation and even though missy says nothing more on it she can't help the tiny poutish look. she loves the old girl and she's served her wonderfully, always getting her exactly where she needs to be.
and missy had been getting along too which hadn't gone unnoticed. the tardis didn't like all of her friends so for her to like missy... that was something else. especially considering that timeline where her ex had turned the old girl into a paradox machine )
It's not here.
( so unless she'd stashed it somewhere easily accessible she was stuck in the vault. though considering that missy had purposely returned the the vault, apparently for its intended reasons, being able to escape so easily would seem to defeat the point. but then again the doctor knew someone else that had made a living out of frequently escaping from her prison )
['like' is a strong word. she never expected the doctor's TARDIS to like her. the TARDIS can hold a grudge like no one's business. the old girl wants to see the doctor happy and missy's rehabilitation would've made the doctor very happy. and certainly, the old girl enjoys being acknowledged and spoken to, which is something the human pets are often too ignorant to do. certainly, the old girl made no objection to missy referring to her own TARDIS as "your little sister".]
Of course it isn't. It's with me, where it rightfully belongs. I'm not gonna steal from myself.
[she makes that sound so much worse, morally speaking, than stealing from the doctor. she waves a hand expressively at their general surroundings.]
I'm as stuck in here as I ever was, if that's what you want to know.
[for the record, "as she ever was" isn't terribly stuck. she could always be more stuck, say, if the doctor tampers with the locks on her way out. missy would argue that she was never trapped here. it was always within her power to leave. not for nothing, but she is an evil genius. she stays because she wants to stay. because every day she could leave, and doesn't, is proof of her desire to change. if she leaves, it would go to show she's not serious about changing. that was the understanding that used to exist between the two of them. has it changed with this new, pretty face?]
( she knows it all, that missy was never really stuck, they've had a conversation on that point before (or missy had made a comment) but the doctor was intelligent enough to know it. they'd both been trapped in things more tricky than this vault before and even with the locks missy had ways. she'd always have ways.
which was probably why the doctor hoped. it wasn't just that missy had returned here but that she'd always willingly stayed, putting those small steps in place even if the bigger gestures weren't yet there. but this doctor could appreciate the small steps a little more -- she was more sentimental than the scot had been )
What if you were stuck somewhere else?
( they'd done that before, too. it had been going well for a time -- missy had rescued them from mars, she'd helped the tardis rather than try and damage her and she couldn't deny that having her company around was nice. her friends were great but missy was her oldest friend, someone that knew the universe from a different perspective. it was a kind of company that she couldn't get elsewhere )
In the TARDIS. With me.
( they'd jumped too fast before. they needed more smaller steps before jumping so large. maybe it had also been some unfortunate timing, missy hadn't exactly picked the location but they'd be more careful this next time. when the time came to walk together )
[she knows where the doctor's going with the invitation as soon as it starts. her breath catches and her respiratory bypass utterly fails to pick up the slack. it takes an inordinately long time for her to decide she should resuming breathing, and all the while she's staring at the doctor as though she's grown a second head as well as tits.]
That's scarcely stuck at all. I'd like that...
[it's a touching thought, and it's feasible. if there's anyplace better for missy's health than the vault, it's the TARDIS. and in the TARDIS, she'd be better much equipped to work on the schrödinger's time lord puzzle of whether she can or can't regenerate. but she really hadn't expected such a show of faith from the doctor. after all, isn't it her fault the doctor had to regenerate this time? not that death has ever been a dealbreaker in this friendship, but, honestly, she'd expected sterner consequences. there's guilt roiling around in the mess of her feelings.]
But you're so good at leaving me behind. Why break the habit of several lifetimes?
[that does sound catty. it's still hard to process negative feelings without lashing out. she's grown to understand more of the doctor's departures than the doctor might think. others, though, still stir up the old anger and bitterness. as they've just learned, it was all still pretty raw and violent for her immediate predecessor.]
( her head dips a little, not quite able to look the other woman in the face for a moment. they'd been good friends, running around together but then somewhere along the way it had gotten broken. and the doctor hadn't been quite as good friend perhaps when they'd needed her even more.
she'd ran. it was something that the doctor was expert at doing, running from problems. and people. leaving them behind. and now, having had a good conversation with herself, made friends that had shown her something she'd perhaps forgotten did the doctor feel the shame in herself )
But I had a chat with myself, gave myself some advice to live by. And that includes my promises. You're my oldest friend and that's something I can never forget, something I don't want to leave behind. So maybe you won't be trapped but that doesn't mean it can't help. You and me running again.
[missy gropes for the back of a chair to prop herself up with. thing is, she wasn't fully prepared for an admission of wrongdoing. she expected the doctor to duck and weave and deny, carrying on with their usual dance. she's never had a good defence against these rare moments of startling sincerity. her friend can be so annoyingly earnest between one lie and the next. she can try to follow the example, but it'll never come easily.]
I had a chat with myself too. [she waves away the recent memory.] You know. You were there.
[when they were children, they were so alike. they shared everything, until they couldn't. until that one tiny, pesky little problem they couldn't share. something no one believed. missy has always been mean, and as her life slipped further and further from her control, she became cruel. despotic. no one listened. no one could hear, not even the doctor. the rhythm of four is gone now, but sometimes her hearts beat so loudly in her chest, she can hear them pounding up in her ears and she works herself into a state over nothing. sometimes she resents the doctor even for their shortlived happiness, and for the proof that she could've led a different life. it's a bitter pill to swallow. poor little rich boy problems. not a good enough excuse to cut a bloody swath across the universe.]
I've blamed you, over and over, but it's not your fault. It never was. It's just... As long as I'm angry with you, I don't have to think about the rest of it. It's easier if you're the one I hate. It's easy, but it isn't right.
( maybe she's being hopeful, trying to take some of the blame where there really isn't any but this has always been a partnership and as difficult as it might have gotten the doctor had abandoned her friend at times. times where they probably needed her )
I've never said that any of this would be easy. It shouldn't be if it's right.
( that sounds like one of those bullshit platitudes even if it is true. words that no one wants to hear but no one ever wants to hear that something will be difficult )
But we can change that. We just have to work together.
[yes, the doctor did abandon her more than once. skaro? that hurt her feelings. sarn? that just plain hurt. but it wasn't for no reason. it wasn't unprovoked. the doctor doesn't leave her to face the consequences unless she's been particularly nasty. missy is trying to take responsibility for a change, and accept fault, and the doctor's effort to share the weight doesn't make it any easier. she shoots a doubtful look at the blonde, exhaling through her teeth. they haven't been kind to each other over the years, but that's mostly because she forced the doctor's hand.]
No, [she scoffs,] you never said it would be easy. There's a lot you never told me about how this would be.
[luckily, she knows the omission wasn't vindictive. there probably isn't a way to prepare someone to have genocides, plural, on their conscience. books on morality don't tend to cover it. not many people have to navigate that moral territory. missy doesn't always agree with the doctor's version of goodness, but no one is more qualified when it comes to living with guilt. it's the doctor's darkest days, as well as her better ones, that make her the expert.]
... You and me, on the same side. We were very, very close. [they were almost friends again. it was right there, just out of reach.] Maybe this time? [she can't keep the tentative hope out of her voice.]
( oh, the doctor knows that missy knows that but it's still worth the confirmation, the agreement that she'd never left it out maliciously. her friend meant so much and she wanted to help, desperately wanted to help her but that meant working out some difficult truths, something that you had to do alone. personal realisations always meant more -- the doctor had learned that themselves many centuries ago )
This time it'll be better. I'll do what I can. ( it was a promise made without needing to be said. she'd always done everything she possibly could to save her friends and missy was no less than that despite all that she'd done.
all that they'd both done. they both had guilt on their shoulders and it was why the doctor was the best person to help. also the worst but why she was most determined to see this through. to see her friend returned )
Smaller steps. Sometimes I jump too far, always have. I need someone to pull me back.
( not necessarily missy but they'd grounded her before )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
the real advantage of wearing boots with heels on them is finally, finally clear to her. she's eye level with the doctor. it's a straight shot now with the ol' artron energy blues. a vague menace still lurks behind these long, unbroken stares of hers. the doctor's pets tend to be unsettled by how long she goes without blinking. the doctor herself is expected to interpret it as missy paying attention.
she has plenty more unsolicited comments to make about the body in front of her. but, she also understands the importance of being seen and recognised while they're still new. every doctor is the doctor to her. attack eyebrows or no, she can't (she shouldn't) completely evade the doctor's question.]
Maybe I'm trying to impress you.
[the alternative is that this is for real, and— well. they both remember. they probably both remember, unless this doctor's got a memory like a sieve (wouldn't be the first time). missy shrugs lightly. her genuine manic cheer has been replaced for the time being by a thin, strained smile. the only thing more awkward and unpleasant than one emotional woman is two emotional women. can it be avoided?
she's back because she never really left, silly sausage. the sentiment sticks in her throat. she can't voice it. she can't decide whether it's a lie anyway.]
I'd rather discuss the unimportant things. Is this the outfit you're going with? [she waves a hand over it, disapproval obvious from her tone.]
no subject
so when missy is quick to change the subject the doctor jumps on it. that's really not fair and also haven't they danced enough? the truth is that they'll always continue this dance until they can dance no more )
Yeah, I am.
( she loves her coat, it's an awesome coat. respect the coat, missy. some people like displaying their personality on their person rather than hiding away )
And you can't avoid it forever. I'm glad you came back.
( that she'd put herself back in her exile. how long had it been before she'd sent that message? )
It's a good step.
no subject
[companions have been known to frolic around time and space wearing a lot less, but the doctor is different. missy is judging by her own arbitrary, exaggerated standards of decorum and propriety. best to ignore her. easier said than done.
that's the trouble with hope: it's hard to resist. once she's challenged, missy backs up a little, straying toward the seating area without thinking. old habit. they've had many confrontations, debates and big conversations there. she squeezes her eyes shut and rubs at the bridge of her nose.
the blonde bombshell can be just as pushy as the eyebrows. noted.]
Fine. Yes.
[she doesn't think the doctor would believe the truth if she heard it. as if missy tried to do the right thing. as if she wanted to stand with the doctor. sounds too farfetched. stupid lies for stupid people. no, no. the only way missy's coming out ahead on this one is if she never fesses up and never tries to claim the goodness points.]
There's no place I'd rather be.
[the quantum fold chamber is designed to inhibit her regenerative abilities. as long as she's in here, she doesn't have to confront the reality of whether she can or can't regenerate. she doesn't have to face the consequences of junior's little temper tantrum. she's schrödinger's time lady. before her sentence is up, she imagines she'll have found a workaround, or she'll have made peace with it. one of the two.]
Has anyone told you that you're pretty?
no subject
Stop it.
( she tries to sound serious but it comes out a little more indignant, far more huffy than she'd have liked. is that what she was now, huffy? )
You've got the whole universe. What does this place have?
( other than somewhere good to think and a doctor that would come when called )
no subject
she can't help wanting to study and measure the doctor's new reactions. she's tempted to push all the buttons just to see what they do now.
what does this place have? missy spares a significant glance for the chessboard, where they left a game unfinished. the pieces are still set up. she overperforms a wistful sigh.]
Happy memories.
[the passage of time in the vault is 1:1, not at all like a confession dial, but it's just wonky enough to suspend certain of her biological processes. there's a sort of delicious irony in using her intended tomb to cheat death again.]
And let's face it, I'm not ready to be anywhere else. I failed that test. Hope it wasn't a big part of my overall grade.
[she's being cheeky, but there's some truth in it. so true, in fact, that she has to say it in a cheeky way because the sincere way would be painful and humbling for her.]
no subject
she steps up towards the dais, sitting with her at the chessboard, leaning closer, arms resting against the table )
You made the choice.
( and it should be obvious what she thinks about that choice given what the scot had tried to do and what had happened.
without taking her gaze off of missy the doctor moves one of the pieces, restarting the game )
You can make others.
no subject
the doctor would be totally justified in feeling betrayed, disappointed and abandoned. all those terrible things, and she still cares anyway. here she is, picking up where they left off with a chess game. missy's had a second and a third and a hundredth and thousandth chance, and here's another.
predictable as ever, doctor.
this is what missy expected and a huge relief, simultaneously.
she swallows against a tight feeling in her throat. she blinks against the hot prickling feeling behind her eyes. by now, she knows what these things mean. it means she might cry. her overzealous lacrimal apparatus is threatening to go again. burst pipes, that's the only thing she can compare it to. it feels completely out of her control.
unless or until the crying actually happens, it won't keep her from resuming the chess game. her turn takes one of the doctor's pieces off the board, but it leaves one of hers vulnerable as well. she's aware.]
I did want you to visit. I do.
[she didn't mean that stuff earlier. obviously.]
no subject
and she takes that piece, managing to do so without leaving anything vulnerable but hoping to prompt missy into taking a little bit of an aggressive move. she's testing the waters too )
How did you get back?
( it's not strictly personal. the doctor had her tardis, missy-- was it a vortex manipulator again or had she had something else up her sleeve?
she does file away the part about missy being glad she came. she'll circle back around to it -- they're always weaving with their dance )
no subject
Type 45 TARDIS.
['infinitely superior to yours, doctor,' she means to imply. she knows it's unkind of her. she shouldn't knock the blue box. in the scheme of things, she was actually getting along surprisingly well with the doctor's old girl. as well as could be expected with their history. she almost felt bold enough to do maintenance without her driving gloves for insulation. but that's over now. back to square one. souring things with the doctor will have soured them with the doctor's TARDIS too.
she trusts she doesn't have to say 'his' or 'mine'. either way, it isn't here now. this is not a lie, but she's also not planning to elaborate.]
no subject
and missy had been getting along too which hadn't gone unnoticed. the tardis didn't like all of her friends so for her to like missy... that was something else. especially considering that timeline where her ex had turned the old girl into a paradox machine )
It's not here.
( so unless she'd stashed it somewhere easily accessible she was stuck in the vault. though considering that missy had purposely returned the the vault, apparently for its intended reasons, being able to escape so easily would seem to defeat the point. but then again the doctor knew someone else that had made a living out of frequently escaping from her prison )
no subject
Of course it isn't. It's with me, where it rightfully belongs. I'm not gonna steal from myself.
[she makes that sound so much worse, morally speaking, than stealing from the doctor. she waves a hand expressively at their general surroundings.]
I'm as stuck in here as I ever was, if that's what you want to know.
[for the record, "as she ever was" isn't terribly stuck. she could always be more stuck, say, if the doctor tampers with the locks on her way out. missy would argue that she was never trapped here. it was always within her power to leave. not for nothing, but she is an evil genius. she stays because she wants to stay. because every day she could leave, and doesn't, is proof of her desire to change. if she leaves, it would go to show she's not serious about changing. that was the understanding that used to exist between the two of them. has it changed with this new, pretty face?]
no subject
which was probably why the doctor hoped. it wasn't just that missy had returned here but that she'd always willingly stayed, putting those small steps in place even if the bigger gestures weren't yet there. but this doctor could appreciate the small steps a little more -- she was more sentimental than the scot had been )
What if you were stuck somewhere else?
( they'd done that before, too. it had been going well for a time -- missy had rescued them from mars, she'd helped the tardis rather than try and damage her and she couldn't deny that having her company around was nice. her friends were great but missy was her oldest friend, someone that knew the universe from a different perspective. it was a kind of company that she couldn't get elsewhere )
In the TARDIS. With me.
( they'd jumped too fast before. they needed more smaller steps before jumping so large. maybe it had also been some unfortunate timing, missy hadn't exactly picked the location but they'd be more careful this next time. when the time came to walk together )
no subject
That's scarcely stuck at all. I'd like that...
[it's a touching thought, and it's feasible. if there's anyplace better for missy's health than the vault, it's the TARDIS. and in the TARDIS, she'd be better much equipped to work on the schrödinger's time lord puzzle of whether she can or can't regenerate. but she really hadn't expected such a show of faith from the doctor. after all, isn't it her fault the doctor had to regenerate this time? not that death has ever been a dealbreaker in this friendship, but, honestly, she'd expected sterner consequences. there's guilt roiling around in the mess of her feelings.]
But you're so good at leaving me behind. Why break the habit of several lifetimes?
[that does sound catty. it's still hard to process negative feelings without lashing out. she's grown to understand more of the doctor's departures than the doctor might think. others, though, still stir up the old anger and bitterness. as they've just learned, it was all still pretty raw and violent for her immediate predecessor.]
no subject
( her head dips a little, not quite able to look the other woman in the face for a moment. they'd been good friends, running around together but then somewhere along the way it had gotten broken. and the doctor hadn't been quite as good friend perhaps when they'd needed her even more.
she'd ran. it was something that the doctor was expert at doing, running from problems. and people. leaving them behind. and now, having had a good conversation with herself, made friends that had shown her something she'd perhaps forgotten did the doctor feel the shame in herself )
But I had a chat with myself, gave myself some advice to live by. And that includes my promises. You're my oldest friend and that's something I can never forget, something I don't want to leave behind. So maybe you won't be trapped but that doesn't mean it can't help. You and me running again.
no subject
I had a chat with myself too. [she waves away the recent memory.] You know. You were there.
[when they were children, they were so alike. they shared everything, until they couldn't. until that one tiny, pesky little problem they couldn't share. something no one believed. missy has always been mean, and as her life slipped further and further from her control, she became cruel. despotic. no one listened. no one could hear, not even the doctor. the rhythm of four is gone now, but sometimes her hearts beat so loudly in her chest, she can hear them pounding up in her ears and she works herself into a state over nothing. sometimes she resents the doctor even for their shortlived happiness, and for the proof that she could've led a different life. it's a bitter pill to swallow. poor little rich boy problems. not a good enough excuse to cut a bloody swath across the universe.]
I've blamed you, over and over, but it's not your fault. It never was. It's just... As long as I'm angry with you, I don't have to think about the rest of it. It's easier if you're the one I hate. It's easy, but it isn't right.
no subject
( maybe she's being hopeful, trying to take some of the blame where there really isn't any but this has always been a partnership and as difficult as it might have gotten the doctor had abandoned her friend at times. times where they probably needed her )
I've never said that any of this would be easy. It shouldn't be if it's right.
( that sounds like one of those bullshit platitudes even if it is true. words that no one wants to hear but no one ever wants to hear that something will be difficult )
But we can change that. We just have to work together.
no subject
No, [she scoffs,] you never said it would be easy. There's a lot you never told me about how this would be.
[luckily, she knows the omission wasn't vindictive. there probably isn't a way to prepare someone to have genocides, plural, on their conscience. books on morality don't tend to cover it. not many people have to navigate that moral territory. missy doesn't always agree with the doctor's version of goodness, but no one is more qualified when it comes to living with guilt. it's the doctor's darkest days, as well as her better ones, that make her the expert.]
... You and me, on the same side. We were very, very close. [they were almost friends again. it was right there, just out of reach.] Maybe this time? [she can't keep the tentative hope out of her voice.]
no subject
( oh, the doctor knows that missy knows that but it's still worth the confirmation, the agreement that she'd never left it out maliciously. her friend meant so much and she wanted to help, desperately wanted to help her but that meant working out some difficult truths, something that you had to do alone. personal realisations always meant more -- the doctor had learned that themselves many centuries ago )
This time it'll be better. I'll do what I can. ( it was a promise made without needing to be said. she'd always done everything she possibly could to save her friends and missy was no less than that despite all that she'd done.
all that they'd both done. they both had guilt on their shoulders and it was why the doctor was the best person to help. also the worst but why she was most determined to see this through. to see her friend returned )
Smaller steps. Sometimes I jump too far, always have. I need someone to pull me back.
( not necessarily missy but they'd grounded her before )