[yes, the doctor did abandon her more than once. skaro? that hurt her feelings. sarn? that just plain hurt. but it wasn't for no reason. it wasn't unprovoked. the doctor doesn't leave her to face the consequences unless she's been particularly nasty. missy is trying to take responsibility for a change, and accept fault, and the doctor's effort to share the weight doesn't make it any easier. she shoots a doubtful look at the blonde, exhaling through her teeth. they haven't been kind to each other over the years, but that's mostly because she forced the doctor's hand.]
No, [she scoffs,] you never said it would be easy. There's a lot you never told me about how this would be.
[luckily, she knows the omission wasn't vindictive. there probably isn't a way to prepare someone to have genocides, plural, on their conscience. books on morality don't tend to cover it. not many people have to navigate that moral territory. missy doesn't always agree with the doctor's version of goodness, but no one is more qualified when it comes to living with guilt. it's the doctor's darkest days, as well as her better ones, that make her the expert.]
... You and me, on the same side. We were very, very close. [they were almost friends again. it was right there, just out of reach.] Maybe this time? [she can't keep the tentative hope out of her voice.]
( oh, the doctor knows that missy knows that but it's still worth the confirmation, the agreement that she'd never left it out maliciously. her friend meant so much and she wanted to help, desperately wanted to help her but that meant working out some difficult truths, something that you had to do alone. personal realisations always meant more -- the doctor had learned that themselves many centuries ago )
This time it'll be better. I'll do what I can. ( it was a promise made without needing to be said. she'd always done everything she possibly could to save her friends and missy was no less than that despite all that she'd done.
all that they'd both done. they both had guilt on their shoulders and it was why the doctor was the best person to help. also the worst but why she was most determined to see this through. to see her friend returned )
Smaller steps. Sometimes I jump too far, always have. I need someone to pull me back.
( not necessarily missy but they'd grounded her before )
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No, [she scoffs,] you never said it would be easy. There's a lot you never told me about how this would be.
[luckily, she knows the omission wasn't vindictive. there probably isn't a way to prepare someone to have genocides, plural, on their conscience. books on morality don't tend to cover it. not many people have to navigate that moral territory. missy doesn't always agree with the doctor's version of goodness, but no one is more qualified when it comes to living with guilt. it's the doctor's darkest days, as well as her better ones, that make her the expert.]
... You and me, on the same side. We were very, very close. [they were almost friends again. it was right there, just out of reach.] Maybe this time? [she can't keep the tentative hope out of her voice.]
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( oh, the doctor knows that missy knows that but it's still worth the confirmation, the agreement that she'd never left it out maliciously. her friend meant so much and she wanted to help, desperately wanted to help her but that meant working out some difficult truths, something that you had to do alone. personal realisations always meant more -- the doctor had learned that themselves many centuries ago )
This time it'll be better. I'll do what I can. ( it was a promise made without needing to be said. she'd always done everything she possibly could to save her friends and missy was no less than that despite all that she'd done.
all that they'd both done. they both had guilt on their shoulders and it was why the doctor was the best person to help. also the worst but why she was most determined to see this through. to see her friend returned )
Smaller steps. Sometimes I jump too far, always have. I need someone to pull me back.
( not necessarily missy but they'd grounded her before )