( her head dips a little, not quite able to look the other woman in the face for a moment. they'd been good friends, running around together but then somewhere along the way it had gotten broken. and the doctor hadn't been quite as good friend perhaps when they'd needed her even more.
she'd ran. it was something that the doctor was expert at doing, running from problems. and people. leaving them behind. and now, having had a good conversation with herself, made friends that had shown her something she'd perhaps forgotten did the doctor feel the shame in herself )
But I had a chat with myself, gave myself some advice to live by. And that includes my promises. You're my oldest friend and that's something I can never forget, something I don't want to leave behind. So maybe you won't be trapped but that doesn't mean it can't help. You and me running again.
[missy gropes for the back of a chair to prop herself up with. thing is, she wasn't fully prepared for an admission of wrongdoing. she expected the doctor to duck and weave and deny, carrying on with their usual dance. she's never had a good defence against these rare moments of startling sincerity. her friend can be so annoyingly earnest between one lie and the next. she can try to follow the example, but it'll never come easily.]
I had a chat with myself too. [she waves away the recent memory.] You know. You were there.
[when they were children, they were so alike. they shared everything, until they couldn't. until that one tiny, pesky little problem they couldn't share. something no one believed. missy has always been mean, and as her life slipped further and further from her control, she became cruel. despotic. no one listened. no one could hear, not even the doctor. the rhythm of four is gone now, but sometimes her hearts beat so loudly in her chest, she can hear them pounding up in her ears and she works herself into a state over nothing. sometimes she resents the doctor even for their shortlived happiness, and for the proof that she could've led a different life. it's a bitter pill to swallow. poor little rich boy problems. not a good enough excuse to cut a bloody swath across the universe.]
I've blamed you, over and over, but it's not your fault. It never was. It's just... As long as I'm angry with you, I don't have to think about the rest of it. It's easier if you're the one I hate. It's easy, but it isn't right.
( maybe she's being hopeful, trying to take some of the blame where there really isn't any but this has always been a partnership and as difficult as it might have gotten the doctor had abandoned her friend at times. times where they probably needed her )
I've never said that any of this would be easy. It shouldn't be if it's right.
( that sounds like one of those bullshit platitudes even if it is true. words that no one wants to hear but no one ever wants to hear that something will be difficult )
But we can change that. We just have to work together.
[yes, the doctor did abandon her more than once. skaro? that hurt her feelings. sarn? that just plain hurt. but it wasn't for no reason. it wasn't unprovoked. the doctor doesn't leave her to face the consequences unless she's been particularly nasty. missy is trying to take responsibility for a change, and accept fault, and the doctor's effort to share the weight doesn't make it any easier. she shoots a doubtful look at the blonde, exhaling through her teeth. they haven't been kind to each other over the years, but that's mostly because she forced the doctor's hand.]
No, [she scoffs,] you never said it would be easy. There's a lot you never told me about how this would be.
[luckily, she knows the omission wasn't vindictive. there probably isn't a way to prepare someone to have genocides, plural, on their conscience. books on morality don't tend to cover it. not many people have to navigate that moral territory. missy doesn't always agree with the doctor's version of goodness, but no one is more qualified when it comes to living with guilt. it's the doctor's darkest days, as well as her better ones, that make her the expert.]
... You and me, on the same side. We were very, very close. [they were almost friends again. it was right there, just out of reach.] Maybe this time? [she can't keep the tentative hope out of her voice.]
( oh, the doctor knows that missy knows that but it's still worth the confirmation, the agreement that she'd never left it out maliciously. her friend meant so much and she wanted to help, desperately wanted to help her but that meant working out some difficult truths, something that you had to do alone. personal realisations always meant more -- the doctor had learned that themselves many centuries ago )
This time it'll be better. I'll do what I can. ( it was a promise made without needing to be said. she'd always done everything she possibly could to save her friends and missy was no less than that despite all that she'd done.
all that they'd both done. they both had guilt on their shoulders and it was why the doctor was the best person to help. also the worst but why she was most determined to see this through. to see her friend returned )
Smaller steps. Sometimes I jump too far, always have. I need someone to pull me back.
( not necessarily missy but they'd grounded her before )
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( her head dips a little, not quite able to look the other woman in the face for a moment. they'd been good friends, running around together but then somewhere along the way it had gotten broken. and the doctor hadn't been quite as good friend perhaps when they'd needed her even more.
she'd ran. it was something that the doctor was expert at doing, running from problems. and people. leaving them behind. and now, having had a good conversation with herself, made friends that had shown her something she'd perhaps forgotten did the doctor feel the shame in herself )
But I had a chat with myself, gave myself some advice to live by. And that includes my promises. You're my oldest friend and that's something I can never forget, something I don't want to leave behind. So maybe you won't be trapped but that doesn't mean it can't help. You and me running again.
no subject
I had a chat with myself too. [she waves away the recent memory.] You know. You were there.
[when they were children, they were so alike. they shared everything, until they couldn't. until that one tiny, pesky little problem they couldn't share. something no one believed. missy has always been mean, and as her life slipped further and further from her control, she became cruel. despotic. no one listened. no one could hear, not even the doctor. the rhythm of four is gone now, but sometimes her hearts beat so loudly in her chest, she can hear them pounding up in her ears and she works herself into a state over nothing. sometimes she resents the doctor even for their shortlived happiness, and for the proof that she could've led a different life. it's a bitter pill to swallow. poor little rich boy problems. not a good enough excuse to cut a bloody swath across the universe.]
I've blamed you, over and over, but it's not your fault. It never was. It's just... As long as I'm angry with you, I don't have to think about the rest of it. It's easier if you're the one I hate. It's easy, but it isn't right.
no subject
( maybe she's being hopeful, trying to take some of the blame where there really isn't any but this has always been a partnership and as difficult as it might have gotten the doctor had abandoned her friend at times. times where they probably needed her )
I've never said that any of this would be easy. It shouldn't be if it's right.
( that sounds like one of those bullshit platitudes even if it is true. words that no one wants to hear but no one ever wants to hear that something will be difficult )
But we can change that. We just have to work together.
no subject
No, [she scoffs,] you never said it would be easy. There's a lot you never told me about how this would be.
[luckily, she knows the omission wasn't vindictive. there probably isn't a way to prepare someone to have genocides, plural, on their conscience. books on morality don't tend to cover it. not many people have to navigate that moral territory. missy doesn't always agree with the doctor's version of goodness, but no one is more qualified when it comes to living with guilt. it's the doctor's darkest days, as well as her better ones, that make her the expert.]
... You and me, on the same side. We were very, very close. [they were almost friends again. it was right there, just out of reach.] Maybe this time? [she can't keep the tentative hope out of her voice.]
no subject
( oh, the doctor knows that missy knows that but it's still worth the confirmation, the agreement that she'd never left it out maliciously. her friend meant so much and she wanted to help, desperately wanted to help her but that meant working out some difficult truths, something that you had to do alone. personal realisations always meant more -- the doctor had learned that themselves many centuries ago )
This time it'll be better. I'll do what I can. ( it was a promise made without needing to be said. she'd always done everything she possibly could to save her friends and missy was no less than that despite all that she'd done.
all that they'd both done. they both had guilt on their shoulders and it was why the doctor was the best person to help. also the worst but why she was most determined to see this through. to see her friend returned )
Smaller steps. Sometimes I jump too far, always have. I need someone to pull me back.
( not necessarily missy but they'd grounded her before )