[ it used to be that even sythehol had deletrius effects on her, but as is her wont, seven has adapted. alcohol goes easier if she knocks it back in one mouthful, a single assault on her system rather than a sustained one, yet she does know that sipping is the convention with wine. she'll comply. drinking slowly is also a pretext for conversation, and one she's glad to accept. they would be having a very different conversation, she's fully aware, if they'd lost their chance at dr. maddox because of her.
seven does, ultimately, have a duty to return to fenris. in the meantime she feels somewhat indebted to laris for the extraction. she misled picard when she told him the rangers would be picking her up. in reality, she's made no such arrangements. she hadn't been sure yet that she'd be able to make that pick-up. ]
Closure implies resolution. Finality.
[ her tone starts out forceful. it doesn't stay that way. the emotion laris suspects her of harboring is enough to overpower the natural arrogance of her pseudo-species. ]
I'm not sure this will ever feel over to me.
[ despite believing herself hardened to the cruelties of the universe, she still volunteers her truth with little provocation. ]
Jay and I... We were intimate.
[ to a former tal shiar operative, this is probably not the revelation seven seems to think it is. ]
I thought that telling her about Icheb, or even for her to meet him, would be a natural progression.
[ even then, she knew that their borg technology commodified them, but she was more accustomed to overt displays of fear and disgust. seven didn't expect to have to guard against people who would pretend to care. someone she loved paid an unthinkable price for her naivety. in part, she will still and always blame herself. she takes another, larger sip of her wine. emotion makes her graceless. after she swallows, she has to wipe her mouth with the back of her hand. ]
( she doesn't argue any of this. closure does imply a finality and whilst there are parts of it that were final, the woman could never hurt another again, there was also much that could never truly be repaired. it was why laris didn't ascribe to closure as much as humans liked the idea.
so she sits quietly, letting her talk, a small nod at her statements. there's a brief pause after seven finishes speaking, letting her words sink in, the emotion that the woman very clearly tries to hide )
It would have been. If she were honest.
( and that wasn't something that anyone could have predicted. those that were duplicitous-- they hid it better than anyone could know. as a romulan and former tal shiar laris knew this well but she also had personal experience of such a betrayal. no one had died for her naivity, only an almost attempt on her own life but-- she still carried those scars with her )
This was a business that she'd been in likely before you met. ( laris had done her reading before they'd gone to freecloud after the name had come up, not wanting any surprises. seven hadn't been in her intelligence but she'd had a clear picture of the woman ) Something she would have made certain to hide so that you could trust her.
( those that you loved-- it stung the most when they betrayed you. even tal shiar couldn't see through that )
[ it says everything about the state of business that, after all this time, bjayzl still had an open bounty on former borg. seven wishes her motives were as pure as wanting to spare others from the same fate icheb suffered, but eliminating a threat to her own kind was only the smallest part of it. this was personal for her. she'll have to reckon with that.
the extent of the betrayal is still difficult for her to comprehend. it's nothing her early life in the delta quadrant could have prepared her for. even now, there's no doubt in seven's mind that jay saw her as a person. she'd touched her implants no more than any other part of her. she'd made seven comfortable enough to be called by her human name, which is no small step for her. this means that jay recognized their personhood and was willing to butcher them anyway. it's repugnant.
what laris sees as an attempt to hide her feelings is, more strictly speaking, seven's effort to control and contain them. the level of wine in her glass is lowering quickly. it isn't too sweet for her tastes because few things are for the girl who'd loved sweet and tart fruits. strawberries were her favorite. that's another of the things that the woman she'd just murdered took the time to learn. ]
It wouldn't have been difficult to conceal her intentions from me. I was trusting. Optimistic. Sentimental.
[ everything her time aboard a starfleet vessel taught her to be. icheb was the same. he wore his uniform with pride and he was a credit to it. he'd deserved so much better. seven can't help but feel that picard, and anyone who still thinks as he does, is in for a rude awakening. she simply didn't want to be the one to disillusion him herself. on reflection, she's begun to see why laris is determined to protect the admiral. he might need it more than he knows. ]
( she means it as a throwaway comment, a harsh truth that she's observed in man people in her years. but her gaze lingers on seven before she drinks again, a different kind of softness there. she learned this truth not in observation but in experiencing it )
There's a lot of the galaxy that goes ignored. Starfleet, anyone turning a blind eye.
( she'd seen a lot of the corruption as a tal shiar but stopping it had never been her goals. not like the rangers )
But she can never do this again.
( even if someone else would simply pick up her business )
[ something seven can drink to with a careworn sigh. her loss caught up with her today and dragged a lot of feelings to the surface, there's no denying that. her handling of the situation though, that was true to form. she's used to problems with solutions that don't satisfy everyone. she's used to limited successes. she's not a perfectionist anymore. the rangers know how to settle for small victories and do what they can, even when it's not much. they're answerable to no one. some people, like picard, decry them for their lack of oversight. it isn't ideal, yet without them, many places would be lawless. at least it's harder to become corrupt from the top down if there's not much of a top rung.
seven shrugs, expressing some degree of resignation about the plight of the galaxy. no one can solve a problem they refuse to see, so, these days, she has her eyes wide open. ]
You're married.
[ she might have observed a little coupley behavior before their ad hoc away team beamed down to freecloud. ]
( though laris had been a little caught in her thoughts of the past, a larger gulp of her wine seven manages to refocus her. and it's enough-- even this slight mention of her dear husband, her thoughts turning to him is enough to bring a little lightness back to her eyes and though she doesn't fully smile you can tell how much she's in love )
Zhaban I've known for a long time.
( one of her oldest colleagues given that his mother had been her handler back in her earliest days in the tal shiar. he'd been raised into that life, she'd been taken in )
Not all trust can be like his-- but finding the right one is indescribable.
( considering how cautious laris had been not just with her heart but with herself after the betrayal-- it had taken a long time for her to trust even zhaban and she'd known him for a long time, had known that she could trust him. in her work she had but personally had been a slow path, something he'd been patient with and had only helped her love. their love )
But most would also not understand such a betrayal either.
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no subject
seven does, ultimately, have a duty to return to fenris. in the meantime she feels somewhat indebted to laris for the extraction. she misled picard when she told him the rangers would be picking her up. in reality, she's made no such arrangements. she hadn't been sure yet that she'd be able to make that pick-up. ]
Closure implies resolution. Finality.
[ her tone starts out forceful. it doesn't stay that way. the emotion laris suspects her of harboring is enough to overpower the natural arrogance of her pseudo-species. ]
I'm not sure this will ever feel over to me.
[ despite believing herself hardened to the cruelties of the universe, she still volunteers her truth with little provocation. ]
Jay and I... We were intimate.
[ to a former tal shiar operative, this is probably not the revelation seven seems to think it is. ]
I thought that telling her about Icheb, or even for her to meet him, would be a natural progression.
[ even then, she knew that their borg technology commodified them, but she was more accustomed to overt displays of fear and disgust. seven didn't expect to have to guard against people who would pretend to care. someone she loved paid an unthinkable price for her naivety. in part, she will still and always blame herself. she takes another, larger sip of her wine. emotion makes her graceless. after she swallows, she has to wipe her mouth with the back of her hand. ]
no subject
so she sits quietly, letting her talk, a small nod at her statements. there's a brief pause after seven finishes speaking, letting her words sink in, the emotion that the woman very clearly tries to hide )
It would have been. If she were honest.
( and that wasn't something that anyone could have predicted. those that were duplicitous-- they hid it better than anyone could know. as a romulan and former tal shiar laris knew this well but she also had personal experience of such a betrayal. no one had died for her naivity, only an almost attempt on her own life but-- she still carried those scars with her )
This was a business that she'd been in likely before you met. ( laris had done her reading before they'd gone to freecloud after the name had come up, not wanting any surprises. seven hadn't been in her intelligence but she'd had a clear picture of the woman ) Something she would have made certain to hide so that you could trust her.
( those that you loved-- it stung the most when they betrayed you. even tal shiar couldn't see through that )
no subject
the extent of the betrayal is still difficult for her to comprehend. it's nothing her early life in the delta quadrant could have prepared her for. even now, there's no doubt in seven's mind that jay saw her as a person. she'd touched her implants no more than any other part of her. she'd made seven comfortable enough to be called by her human name, which is no small step for her. this means that jay recognized their personhood and was willing to butcher them anyway. it's repugnant.
what laris sees as an attempt to hide her feelings is, more strictly speaking, seven's effort to control and contain them. the level of wine in her glass is lowering quickly. it isn't too sweet for her tastes because few things are for the girl who'd loved sweet and tart fruits. strawberries were her favorite. that's another of the things that the woman she'd just murdered took the time to learn. ]
It wouldn't have been difficult to conceal her intentions from me. I was trusting. Optimistic. Sentimental.
[ everything her time aboard a starfleet vessel taught her to be. icheb was the same. he wore his uniform with pride and he was a credit to it. he'd deserved so much better. seven can't help but feel that picard, and anyone who still thinks as he does, is in for a rude awakening. she simply didn't want to be the one to disillusion him herself. on reflection, she's begun to see why laris is determined to protect the admiral. he might need it more than he knows. ]
no subject
( she means it as a throwaway comment, a harsh truth that she's observed in man people in her years. but her gaze lingers on seven before she drinks again, a different kind of softness there. she learned this truth not in observation but in experiencing it )
There's a lot of the galaxy that goes ignored. Starfleet, anyone turning a blind eye.
( she'd seen a lot of the corruption as a tal shiar but stopping it had never been her goals. not like the rangers )
But she can never do this again.
( even if someone else would simply pick up her business )
no subject
[ something seven can drink to with a careworn sigh. her loss caught up with her today and dragged a lot of feelings to the surface, there's no denying that. her handling of the situation though, that was true to form. she's used to problems with solutions that don't satisfy everyone. she's used to limited successes. she's not a perfectionist anymore. the rangers know how to settle for small victories and do what they can, even when it's not much. they're answerable to no one. some people, like picard, decry them for their lack of oversight. it isn't ideal, yet without them, many places would be lawless. at least it's harder to become corrupt from the top down if there's not much of a top rung.
seven shrugs, expressing some degree of resignation about the plight of the galaxy. no one can solve a problem they refuse to see, so, these days, she has her eyes wide open. ]
You're married.
[ she might have observed a little coupley behavior before their ad hoc away team beamed down to freecloud. ]
So, I guess not all trust is misplaced.
[ not all love. ]
no subject
Zhaban I've known for a long time.
( one of her oldest colleagues given that his mother had been her handler back in her earliest days in the tal shiar. he'd been raised into that life, she'd been taken in )
Not all trust can be like his-- but finding the right one is indescribable.
( considering how cautious laris had been not just with her heart but with herself after the betrayal-- it had taken a long time for her to trust even zhaban and she'd known him for a long time, had known that she could trust him. in her work she had but personally had been a slow path, something he'd been patient with and had only helped her love. their love )
But most would also not understand such a betrayal either.